one...twO...THREE.....KNOCKOUT! (Chemo #3)

Oh what a week this has been!  I have been extremely, fatigued, nauseous and angry to write.  I thought if I give it a day or two so I could clear my head .

I will start from the beginning....

My index and middle finger have been completely numb since my first surgery in April.  When Dr. Grange put my chemo port in my right arm it hit a nerve knocking out feeling and movement.  This makes it extremely difficult to do everyday tasks I use to take for granted.  Writing, typing, opening jars, slicing food...you get the idea.  Let's just say I have adapted to my new life style.  Since then I can now crack eggs with my left hand, but that doesn't mean I don't want my right hand back!  I WANT my right hand back!

Since then I met with Dr. Tiedemann a hand surgeon with GIKK who then referred me to a neurologist Dr. Weber.  We need to find out if my nerve will come back on it's own or if I will need another surgery to repair it.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

12:00 p.m

I met with Dr. Weber a neurologist who did a series of tests which included electric shocks and needles going in and out of my arm and hand.  OUCH!  Let's just say when I left his office I didn't want to go back.  Dr. Weber said he would have my results at the end of the day and I would find out once I met with Dr. Tiedemann.

2:00 p.m.

Chemotherapy #3

My good friend Gretchen took me this time.  I have known Gretchen since junior high but we became much better friends the summer before we started high school.  We would enjoy long afternoons in her swimming pool, taco and pizza night when I would stay with her family when my parents were out of town.  Gretchen and I were also on junior varsity cheerleading our sophomore year in high school.  I paid it forward and trained Gretchen since I had one year under my belt.  In return Gretchen found us our new coach Jenna who was a former dance teamer.  She trained with us everyday for metros in which we placed first in our division and first place overall winning the entire competition which included varsity squads.  We were the #1 squad in the Omaha Metro area.  That was such a fun year! 

From there we went to college and when I met my husband Steve, we all found out Gretchen's family was related!  Steve and Gretchen are second cousins.  Gretchen's mom Nancy (Pottebaum) Ballard's dad and Steve's Grandpa are brothers!  It was funny because when I first started dating Steve I kept forgetting his last name so I would always call Gretchen and ask. When I did forget I would always say Steve's last name was Potterybarn.  =)

Gretchen is expecting baby #2 a Boy!

Our friend Lyndsey stopped by to hang out too!

Friday, June 17, 2011    

Happy 39th Anniversary to my parents! 

Happy Anniversary to Lyndsey and Jerid Foster!

1:00 p.m.  Get my nuelasta shot
3:00 p.m.  Get my ta ta's filled

4:00 p.m.  Down for the count

Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday I was sawing logs.  I could barely lift my head, eat or drink anything without dry heaving.

Tuesday, June 21 , 2011

I thought I was back for the week to spend with the kids.  Today we spent the entire day indoors because it was raining.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Started getting sick with cough and sore throat.   Thank God my mom is on call she came to relieve me for the rest of the week so I don't get sick.  I called the nurses line at my oncologist and it took an entire day of me calling back at least 6 times to get an antibiotic.  LONG story here but lets just say the nurses line at my oncologist needs a lot of HELP! 

Thursday, June 24, 2011

12:20 PM

Met with Dr. Tiedemann to get my results for my hand.  Of course he said my median nerve in my right hand has a partial cut so I will need surgery.  UGH!  As he was talking about the procedure I was fighting back tears.  How in the heck am I going to be able to do chemo and have a surgery thrown in the mix.

4:30 PM  I was feeling awful so I went to my oncologist to get fluids and nausea medicine.  Dr. Thome' said I could have the surgery.  He would just administer a 1/3 of the dose on my 4th round. 

After sleeping on it I made the executive decision to not do chemotherapy next week.  There is no way my body is going to handle chemotherapy and surgery within hours of each other.  I am taking CONTROL.  My body...My decision!

I am also researching alternative treatments outside of chemo and radiation.  If you know of any doctors, books or websites to alternative treatments send them my way!

I know chemo is suppose to work but I hate feeling like crap.  I want to feel healthy and energetic like I use to! =)

Friday, June 24, 2011

Scheduled my hand surgery with Dr. Tiedemann for Friday, July 1, 2011.  I tried to cancel my chemotherapy with Dr. Thome's nurses and once again no one called me back.  So when I don't show up for my session next Thursday I might get their attention!

Please pray for my hand to come back and for a safe and successful surgery.

Don't forget!  Today is the last day you can vote for my friend Melissa G. to win $2500 to donate to Susan G. Koman! https://www.mkmakeovercontest.com  There are 9 Melissa G's so here is a picture of Melissa.  I couldn't get the one from the website to work...I am sure you all are smart enough to figure it out!  =)  I have known Melissa since high school.  We were on dance team my junior and senior year and were roomies in college my sophomore year.  Please support Melissa on her quest to win $2500 for Susan G. Komen! 

This is Melissa G!

Thank you to:

Jeff, Traci, Mia, Sam and Ava for the Papa Murphy's pizza, the adorable hat and sign!

John and Joan Allen for the delicious ribs and potato salad.

Sara Rogers for the delicious dinner!  Tomatoes with feta cheese and Chicken pitas!

Deb Bothof and Matt Edstrand for the organic produce and rice crispy treats.

My sister-in-law Jessica for the generous donation to Susan G. Komen of Iowa in my name.

Melissa Gregory for entering a contest to win $2500 to donate to Susan  G. Komen in my name!

My sister for watching Olivia Wednesday night.

My Mom for always watching the kids when I am to sick or weak.  Love you Momma!

Thank you to all our friends and family for all your love, support and prayers!

More Thank You's

I just can't get over how generous people are.  I have more thank you's!

THANK YOU:

Barb Panzer for the generous cash donation.

My Mother-in-law Annette who sent me a prayer shawl.

Pam Sloan for the generous cash donation.

My Aunt Vicky and Uncle Denny for the generous cash donation.

My friend Kelly who brought over dinner also gave me a pandora charm to add to my bracelet a flower.  I tried to take a picture but my camera doesn't do it any favors!  I have known Kelly since junior high, we lived together in college and now we live just blocks away from each other.  Thanks Kel!  I know you have a lot on your plate...I wish I could be there to help you out.

Natalie Timpone for the generous cash donation and all the arts and crafts for the kids!

Kim Waddelow for the adorable t-shirt.  I can't wait to wear it when I am sporting my new ta ta's! =)

Rebecca Pottebaum for my "e" necklace.

To the Edstrand's for the iTunes Gift cards.  It was great catching up with you Matt.  Thank you so much for taking time to stop by! =)

My neighbor Mia who is 10 years old asked her entire class to make cards and say prayers for me.  Thank you to the 3rd grade class at St. Stephens! Maggie, Jaden, Megan, Joslyn, Sophie, Abby, Charlie, Libby, Katie, Noah, Gino, Patrick, Isabella, Reegan, Grace, Laton, Megan, Blake, Kelly, Ethan, Blake, Jewel, Nate, Lexi, Nicholas, George and to Mia's brother Sam and sister Ava who also made me beautiful cards.  I have read them all and I LOVE them!  Mia thank you for asking for more prayers for me.  For a 10 year old you sure are smart and generous!  Prayers are the best gift you could ever give me and from kids is even better.  GOD LOVES CHILDREN so I am hoping he will listen to you!  THANK YOU! 

My 6th Sense

In 1989, when I was 10 years old I kept having a reoccurring dream about my grandpa Ringling.  At the time I didn't have a clue what my dream was telling me.  I would always see a man with dark, short hair and blue eyes.  The clearest blue eyes I have ever seen.  Each night the man would take me further into the dream and on the final night (I had the dream a total of 7 days) the man showed me everything through his bright blue eyes.  The scenes are a bit fuzzy now as I write this today but here are the main events in my dreams.  My grandpa Ringling was floating down a river with my cousin Kari in an inter tube.  At some point my grandpa told Kari to hold on to a branch while he went to go look for my aunt and grandmother.  I saw my grandpa floating down the river and his tube flipping over... he never came back up for air.  I could hear helicopters in the background and see my grandmother on a bench crying and hear my cousin Kari saying: "I think grandpa is dead."  I finally saw a fisherman pulling my grandpa's body out of the water.  I told my sister Angie about my dream and she said I was crazy. 

A day later we received a phone call.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I had just come home from my piano lesson and my dad was on the phone crying.  I was sitting by the bar downstairs close to the kitchen where my dad was talking.  When he got off the phone he told us that our grandpa Ringling had died.  Not only did he tell us of his passing but he told us the story of how he passed.  Ironically it was exactly like my dream.  My sister didn't think I was crazy any more.  Since then I always knew I had to read signs or dreams given to me because they were glimpses of what was going to happen to me in the future.  I learned to follow my instincts because they were usually right.

I have many other stories and signs which I plan to tell if they are fitting to the situation.  These next few stories lead me up to today and how they will help me through my fight with breast cancer.

In 2003, I decided to apply for a recruiter's assistant position at a company called InSearch.  It was the only position I applied for at the time as my "6th sense" was telling me to go for it.  I was qualified for the position, maybe a little over qualified.  You see,  I was a recruiter for another company and I just wasn't happy.  The position I was in and the company I was working for were just not "clicking".  I thought if I started a little lower in the ranks and learned the ropes I could eventually become a recruiter again. Thank God I got the position because I quit my current job before I had an offer.

I started in January of 2004 as a recruiter's assistant.  I loved the job because it used my organizational and communication skills and at the same time I learned from some of the best recruiters in the business.  InSearch went through a lot of changes while I was there and eventually a position opened up for me to be a recruiter.  I was more then ready to try again.  At first I wasn't so sure I was going to do well because I had some pretty big shoes to fill.  The last person who was in the position left to start her own recruiting business.  To my surprise, I worked hard and started to see positive results....a LOT of placements and revenue coming in.  I just kept my head down and kept focusing on the revenue coming in and I always exceeded my goals but I was never really happy in the position. It never really satisfied my soul. 

One day, I threw my hands up and told my boss I was done.  I no longer wanted to be a recruiter.   The scary part was I had not a clue what I was going to do with my life.  I just knew I didn't want to be a recruiter.  Not because I wasn't successful..I actually was pretty good...it just didn't make me happy. We worked it out so I could still stay at InSearch and hired another recruiter in my position.  My boss created a position for me as an Office Manager / Recruiter's Assistant.  I knew I wouldn't stay at InSearch forever but it was a nice transition until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

While I worked at InSearch I got to know two of the recruiters named Ruth and Deb and my boss, Bob.  Extremely kind people and strong in their faith.  They never threw it in your face but if you asked, they would help guide you with religion.

Deb and I sat across from each other and her son had recently passed away.  Deb would occasionally talk about her son and how her faith got her through her dark moments.  I have always admired Deb's strength and ability to relate to other people.  One piece of advice I remember Deb telling me is I could always go back to work.  Deb encouraged me from time to time to leave InSearch when I found out I was pregnant with Olivia.  She always said I will never get that time back.  I am so glad I listened to Deb.

Ruth is someone I have always looked up to as a role model.  She is always composed, dressed nice, perfect make up and hair and to top it off she is the kindest person I have ever met.  Ruth would on occasion invite the office to listen to speakers at her church and all of us (the ladies) would go.

The last speaker Ruth, Deb and I went to was right before I left InSearch and the speaker taught us how to pray.  I never knew there was a certain way to pray..no one had ever taught me.  Since then I vowed to try it and see if God really answers my prayers.  Ruth and I would have our own meetings at Panera and we would disscus the results. We came to the conclusion God does answer all our prayers but it is only on his terms.  Try it!  Write down your prayers for yourself and others and over time he does answer them all.

I was born and raised catholic so I had read from the Bible in church but I never actually bought one until Bob reintroduced me to the Bible my last year at InSearch.  Bob would have a men's group every Friday before the office would open and he and his friends would discuss the Bible and how it applied to their life.  I would sometimes ask Bob about the Bible and his thoughts about life and he always had fascinating answers to help me in my current situation.  I remember one of our conversations that has stuck with me today.  "If something in your life is not feeding your soul, then it is God's way of telling you to move on."  So I did.  Thanks Bob.  =)
 
I believe I was guided to work at InSearch to strengthen my faith which will help me fight and beat cancer!

In February 2009, I left InSearch to pursue motherhood (Thanks for the advice Deb) as I was pregnant with Steve's and my first child.  My sister Angie was looking for a nanny and she thought it would be a good fit for me to watch her four children while I raised Olivia.  I thought it was a great idea!  I could still stay home with Olivia and play with my nieces and nephews.  At the time Sully was 5 months old, Addie was 2 1/2, Cullen and Avery were three months shy of their 4th birthday.  Olivia was born April 7, 2009.  Although at first it was a challenge and tested my patience watching my sister's kids and Olivia was the best decision I made.  Olivia and all my sister's kids are so close they miss each other if we go on separate vacations or are apart for more then a weekend.

I believe I was guided to raise Olivia with Angie's kids because Olivia will never have a sibling of her own.  Steve and I found out last Wednesday (March 23) I can no longer carry a child.  The chances of the cancer coming back and killing me are extremely high.  I was sad and disappointed at the news because Steve and I decided we wanted baby #2 a month before we found out I had cancer.  Ironically, I have said for a while before this news I would be okay with just Olivia if that was all God could give us.  She is probably the best gift God could ever give me and to top it off she is healthy!  I always thought I would have two children but maybe it is not in God's plan.  God surrounded Olivia and me with my sister's kids to give Olivia the "siblings" she needs and the children I want....but the good news is it will be less expensive! ;)

I have learned through all this that my life is not my own.  The decisions I make for myself are all for God's plan.  My 6th sense works, maybe I knew all along Steve and I would have one child.  I am realizing now more then ever, my words and thoughts are coming true as I go through this experience.  I am just so thankful for the wonderful people at InSearch who helped strengthen my faith, my sister and brother-in-law who have allowed me to help raise their children giving Olivia her "brother's and sister's".

Thank you to InSearch (Bob, Deb, Jessica, Matt, Carrie and Mindy) for the beautiful cross you gave me.  Such an appropriate gift from the ones who strengthened my faith.  It now hangs on a wall in our bedroom.  Ironically, I have been looking for quite some time to fill that space and now I know why I couldn't find it.

Thank you Jess - I listened to your song and it played on the radio a few times on our way up to Remsen.  Loved it!

Thank you to Deb who stopped by on the worst night of my life, held my hand and cried with me.  The food  was delicious! 

Thank you to Ruth who stopped by to bring me a new cup size and my favorite cookies!  I am so lucky to have you in my life. 

Thank you Brea for having me over at your house.  Olivia still asks:  "Can we go to Brea's house?"  Thank you for sharing your journey with me.

Thank you Angie for your wig.  I can't wait to wear my new color!

Thank you to Claudia for the beautiful prayer shawl.

Thank you Mark, Sara, Ellie and Keaton for the new iPAD cover.  Pink is my new favorite color.

Thank you to my mother-in-law for the beautiful necklace.  As soon as I put it on it felt like I joined a sorority!

Thank you to Judy and Rick for the Strength rock and picture.  I am hoping one day Taya and I can throw that Strength rock in Lake Michigan when we no longer need it.  American Girl here we come! =)

Thank you Stacy for the hearts.  Olivia has already claimed the pink one and I know Steve carries his in his pocket.  I am not sure I will ever get the pink one back from Olivia. =)

Thank you to Crystal for all the books and gifts....you spoil me too much!  I have known Crystal for almost 20 years and she has been there for me in the best and worst of times.  Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you Mom and Dad for helping me with the kids during my doctor's appointments.  I have been extremely lucky to have you as my parents and even luckier to have your help.

Thank you to my husband Steve.  I will never forget when we found out we couldn't have another child and how strong you were for me.  His words as I remember were, "It will be okay.  We will get through this.  We need to get you better first."  Steve still knows how to pull at my heart strings.  Last week he downloaded a song on my new iPAD to remind me of his love for me and promised he will be by my side every step of the way.  I love you!

Thank you God for all the wonderful friends and family you have surrounded me with.  Sometimes our souls need to be recharged in times like this and just a word or two of encouragement is all it takes.

We celebrated Olivia's birthday in Remsen this weekend with the Pottebaum's.  Tyler your performance was fantastic!

Olivia with her cousins Taya and Alexis

Olivia with her cousins Taya and Mya

Big Hug!