(She is taking my (non existent -A size) Ta Ta's Off!
I wish her luck trying to find them =))
Everyone wants to know how we chose our doctors. To be honest, I went with facts and my instincts. Dr. Grange specializes in ONLY breast cancer. Instead of inserting the port for chemo in a separate surgery under my collar bone (which will leave a visible scar) she will put it under my arm. She does this surgery while I am under during my reconstruction. Instead of being awake for the sentinel lymph node biopsy which sounds extremely painful, Dr. Grange has the radiologist to do this while I am under for the double mastectomy.
I chose Dr. Montag because she was referred to me by Dr. Grange and we just hit it off! She is giving me my B cup....that is if my skin can stretch that much! =) YAY!
I chose Dr. Thome' because he knows his stuff! Good Lord! This is probably the smartest person I have ever met. He also gave me a lot of facts to help choose my general surgeon. He answered ALL my questions and gave it to me straight - no dancing around topics. When I left his office I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I AM IN GOOD HANDS! =)
All I can ask for you is to pray the surgery is successful in removing the cancer and the chemotherapy and radiation will get rid of it FOREVER...........
AND...pray that my skin stretches so I get my B cup! =)
In 1989, when I was 10 years old I kept having a reoccurring dream about my grandpa Ringling. At the time I didn't have a clue what my dream was telling me. I would always see a man with dark, short hair and blue eyes. The clearest blue eyes I have ever seen. Each night the man would take me further into the dream and on the final night (I had the dream a total of 7 days) the man showed me everything through his bright blue eyes. The scenes are a bit fuzzy now as I write this today but here are the main events in my dreams. My grandpa Ringling was floating down a river with my cousin Kari in an inter tube. At some point my grandpa told Kari to hold on to a branch while he went to go look for my aunt and grandmother. I saw my grandpa floating down the river and his tube flipping over... he never came back up for air. I could hear helicopters in the background and see my grandmother on a bench crying and hear my cousin Kari saying: "I think grandpa is dead." I finally saw a fisherman pulling my grandpa's body out of the water. I told my sister Angie about my dream and she said I was crazy.
A day later we received a phone call. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just come home from my piano lesson and my dad was on the phone crying. I was sitting by the bar downstairs close to the kitchen where my dad was talking. When he got off the phone he told us that our grandpa Ringling had died. Not only did he tell us of his passing but he told us the story of how he passed. Ironically it was exactly like my dream. My sister didn't think I was crazy any more. Since then I always knew I had to read signs or dreams given to me because they were glimpses of what was going to happen to me in the future. I learned to follow my instincts because they were usually right.
I have many other stories and signs which I plan to tell if they are fitting to the situation. These next few stories lead me up to today and how they will help me through my fight with breast cancer.
In 2003, I decided to apply for a recruiter's assistant position at a company called InSearch. It was the only position I applied for at the time as my "6th sense" was telling me to go for it. I was qualified for the position, maybe a little over qualified. You see, I was a recruiter for another company and I just wasn't happy. The position I was in and the company I was working for were just not "clicking". I thought if I started a little lower in the ranks and learned the ropes I could eventually become a recruiter again. Thank God I got the position because I quit my current job before I had an offer.
I started in January of 2004 as a recruiter's assistant. I loved the job because it used my organizational and communication skills and at the same time I learned from some of the best recruiters in the business. InSearch went through a lot of changes while I was there and eventually a position opened up for me to be a recruiter. I was more then ready to try again. At first I wasn't so sure I was going to do well because I had some pretty big shoes to fill. The last person who was in the position left to start her own recruiting business. To my surprise, I worked hard and started to see positive results....a LOT of placements and revenue coming in. I just kept my head down and kept focusing on the revenue coming in and I always exceeded my goals but I was never really happy in the position. It never really satisfied my soul.
One day, I threw my hands up and told my boss I was done. I no longer wanted to be a recruiter. The scary part was I had not a clue what I was going to do with my life. I just knew I didn't want to be a recruiter. Not because I wasn't successful..I actually was pretty good...it just didn't make me happy. We worked it out so I could still stay at InSearch and hired another recruiter in my position. My boss created a position for me as an Office Manager / Recruiter's Assistant. I knew I wouldn't stay at InSearch forever but it was a nice transition until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life.
While I worked at InSearch I got to know two of the recruiters named Ruth and Deb and my boss, Bob. Extremely kind people and strong in their faith. They never threw it in your face but if you asked, they would help guide you with religion.
Deb and I sat across from each other and her son had recently passed away. Deb would occasionally talk about her son and how her faith got her through her dark moments. I have always admired Deb's strength and ability to relate to other people. One piece of advice I remember Deb telling me is I could always go back to work. Deb encouraged me from time to time to leave InSearch when I found out I was pregnant with Olivia. She always said I will never get that time back. I am so glad I listened to Deb.
Ruth is someone I have always looked up to as a role model. She is always composed, dressed nice, perfect make up and hair and to top it off she is the kindest person I have ever met. Ruth would on occasion invite the office to listen to speakers at her church and all of us (the ladies) would go.
The last speaker Ruth, Deb and I went to was right before I left InSearch and the speaker taught us how to pray. I never knew there was a certain way to pray..no one had ever taught me. Since then I vowed to try it and see if God really answers my prayers. Ruth and I would have our own meetings at Panera and we would disscus the results. We came to the conclusion God does answer all our prayers but it is only on his terms. Try it! Write down your prayers for yourself and others and over time he does answer them all.
I was born and raised catholic so I had read from the Bible in church but I never actually bought one until Bob reintroduced me to the Bible my last year at InSearch. Bob would have a men's group every Friday before the office would open and he and his friends would discuss the Bible and how it applied to their life. I would sometimes ask Bob about the Bible and his thoughts about life and he always had fascinating answers to help me in my current situation. I remember one of our conversations that has stuck with me today. "If something in your life is not feeding your soul, then it is God's way of telling you to move on." So I did. Thanks Bob. =)
I believe I was guided to work at InSearch to strengthen my faith which will help me fight and beat cancer!
In February 2009, I left InSearch to pursue motherhood (Thanks for the advice Deb) as I was pregnant with Steve's and my first child. My sister Angie was looking for a nanny and she thought it would be a good fit for me to watch her four children while I raised Olivia. I thought it was a great idea! I could still stay home with Olivia and play with my nieces and nephews. At the time Sully was 5 months old, Addie was 2 1/2, Cullen and Avery were three months shy of their 4th birthday. Olivia was born April 7, 2009. Although at first it was a challenge and tested my patience watching my sister's kids and Olivia was the best decision I made. Olivia and all my sister's kids are so close they miss each other if we go on separate vacations or are apart for more then a weekend.
I believe I was guided to raise Olivia with Angie's kids because Olivia will never have a sibling of her own. Steve and I found out last Wednesday (March 23) I can no longer carry a child. The chances of the cancer coming back and killing me are extremely high. I was sad and disappointed at the news because Steve and I decided we wanted baby #2 a month before we found out I had cancer. Ironically, I have said for a while before this news I would be okay with just Olivia if that was all God could give us. She is probably the best gift God could ever give me and to top it off she is healthy! I always thought I would have two children but maybe it is not in God's plan. God surrounded Olivia and me with my sister's kids to give Olivia the "siblings" she needs and the children I want....but the good news is it will be less expensive! ;)
I have learned through all this that my life is not my own. The decisions I make for myself are all for God's plan. My 6th sense works, maybe I knew all along Steve and I would have one child. I am realizing now more then ever, my words and thoughts are coming true as I go through this experience. I am just so thankful for the wonderful people at InSearch who helped strengthen my faith, my sister and brother-in-law who have allowed me to help raise their children giving Olivia her "brother's and sister's".
Thank you to InSearch (Bob, Deb, Jessica, Matt, Carrie and Mindy) for the beautiful cross you gave me. Such an appropriate gift from the ones who strengthened my faith. It now hangs on a wall in our bedroom. Ironically, I have been looking for quite some time to fill that space and now I know why I couldn't find it.
Thank you Jess - I listened to your song and it played on the radio a few times on our way up to Remsen. Loved it!
Thank you to Deb who stopped by on the worst night of my life, held my hand and cried with me. The food was delicious!
Thank you to Ruth who stopped by to bring me a new cup size and my favorite cookies! I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Thank you Brea for having me over at your house. Olivia still asks: "Can we go to Brea's house?" Thank you for sharing your journey with me.
Thank you Angie for your wig. I can't wait to wear my new color!
Thank you to Claudia for the beautiful prayer shawl.
Thank you Mark, Sara, Ellie and Keaton for the new iPAD cover. Pink is my new favorite color.
Thank you to my mother-in-law for the beautiful necklace. As soon as I put it on it felt like I joined a sorority!
Thank you to Judy and Rick for the Strength rock and picture. I am hoping one day Taya and I can throw that Strength rock in Lake Michigan when we no longer need it. American Girl here we come! =)
Thank you Stacy for the hearts. Olivia has already claimed the pink one and I know Steve carries his in his pocket. I am not sure I will ever get the pink one back from Olivia. =)
Thank you to Crystal for all the books and gifts....you spoil me too much! I have known Crystal for almost 20 years and she has been there for me in the best and worst of times. Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you Mom and Dad for helping me with the kids during my doctor's appointments. I have been extremely lucky to have you as my parents and even luckier to have your help.
Thank you to my husband Steve. I will never forget when we found out we couldn't have another child and how strong you were for me. His words as I remember were, "It will be okay. We will get through this. We need to get you better first." Steve still knows how to pull at my heart strings. Last week he downloaded a song on my new iPAD to remind me of his love for me and promised he will be by my side every step of the way. I love you!
Thank you God for all the wonderful friends and family you have surrounded me with. Sometimes our souls need to be recharged in times like this and just a word or two of encouragement is all it takes.
We celebrated Olivia's birthday in Remsen this weekend with the Pottebaum's. Tyler your performance was fantastic!
Since day one of my diagnosis Steve and I have been questioning "Why is this happening to us...to our family?" I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am overwhelmed by the positive response I have received from everyone. I am hearing from friends from every part of my life. At times I get teary eyed thinking how wonderful you all have been to me with your encouraging words. So far you are making this a positive experience for me so I thought to myself...why not make my cancer treatment a positive experience? Why does it have to be so negative? Tonight, I was telling my mom there was a reason I was given this disease and maybe it is to teach others about breast cancer, maybe with this blog I can help someone through their experience. I can already tell you I am going to make everyone aware of breast cancer. It is treatable if you detect it early....so ladies do your self breast exams and tell all your friends and family to do it too!
THANK YOU Brea Nelson for your speech on Self Breast Exams. (Please say some extra prayers for Brea as she goes through her Chemotherapy) If it wasn't for you I might not be typing this blog on my way to recovery. It could have been several months later and it could have been a blog where my cancer was untreatable and I was counting down the days. THANK YOU Nicki (Odermatt) Welte for inviting me to your party. You are two of my angels here on earth.
It is funny how God works. He does answer our prayers but it might not be in the way we hoped or expected.
1. For some time I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have dabbled in a few careers some inspire me and others I can do without. I know at some point I will go out in to the "real world" again but I want to do something that inspires my soul, helps others and changes my outlook on life.
Having cancer in my body has already changed my outlook and is giving me a completely different purpose to my life.
2. I have always secretly wanted a boob job.
3. When I had mastitis right after Olivia I did ask Steve to chop off my boobs because it hurt so bad. (Women get this in their breast when they are breast feeding. OMG it is painful!) I did say on several occasions I could care less if I breast fed the next child because I did not want to get mastitis again.
4. I do remember saying I hate having to get ready and do my hair, blow drying, straightening and or curling and having a wig would save me some time.
5. I have said "if we won the lottery the one thing I would get is a personal chef".
Food has been showing up at my door step. THANK YOU to my friend Karen Kirberger who dropped off this yummy chicken casserole with some sweets from Wheatfields tonight. Check out Wheatfields it is her family business and Karen is one of the sweetest people I know.
Olivia LOVED the shamrock sugar cookies!
6. My biggest fear is being alone. I know now I am not alone...
THANK YOU to the BODE's, WESTERING's, WOLF's, ALLEN's, FEHRINGER's, HUNTER's, BUTLER's "my extended family". I have known these people my entire life and they are always there to help you celebrate life's treasured moments and pick you up when you have been kicked down. John, Katy and their daughter Ellen dropped off such a special gift from everyone. John said they all wanted to be there to help get me through my Chemo. They were so generous to get me an iPAD so I could type my blog, make or watch videos to pass the time. I got a little choked up after you left. I didn't want you to see me cry. All of you have touched my soul before this but you have gone way to far this time! =) YOU ARE THE BEST!
THANK YOU TO MY FRIENDS...near and far. A special shout out this week. My friend Lyndsey wears scrubs for her job and on Monday she sent me a text. A picture of herself in pink scrubs. A close family relative to Lyndsey lost her battle with breast cancer so please keep Lyndsey's family in your prayers.
My friend Stacy sent me a picture of the luggage tag I got her for her birthday and said every time she sees the tag she says a prayer for me. Stacy you always know what to say to put a smile on my face. I can't wait to hear more stories from your travels. =)
Good thing I have a life long friend and physician assistant down the street. Thank you to Jen who had to get my IV port out of my arm because the hospital forgot to take it out. =)
Thank you to Travis and Michelle - Travis you are helping Steve get through this so much easier by just being there for him. Michelle - Thank you for having your little Paxton the roughest week of my life I love holding him and hanging out with you.
Several friends have offered to start food trains.... Crystal, Julianne, Sarah and Aimee...THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for thinking of me.
Angie Ross thank you for offering up your wig.
Brea thank you for offering your support and pillows. I will contact you this weekend.
Sasha, thank you for coming over to just hang and I we could talk about life. It is nice to talk about other things to get my mind off cancer especially business ventures together! =) Please keep Sasha and her family in your prayers as they lost her aunt to breast cancer recently.
THANK YOU to my cousin LEAH for putting a cleaning crew together for when I begin my treatments and just being you. Thanks for calling to see how I am doing.
THANK YOU to my FAMILY for all of your support and prayers. My parents, sister and brother-in-law Dave are bending over backwards for me and I know how much this will effect your lives. I will never know how to repay you for your kindness but I THANK GOD everyday he surrounded me with your love and compassion.
THANK YOU to my nieces and nephews who are like my own children...Avery, Cullen, Addison and Sully. You always know what to say and do to lift my spirits. I couldn't be at a better place at this time. Being around the happiest, silliest people on earth always puts a smile on my face and lifts my spirits. Thank you for hugging me on Monday, saying "I Love You" and making me cards. It made me cry happy tears and thank God again for all the wonderful blessings in my life. Avery you are an inspiration to me to keep a positive attitude. I have never once heard you complain when you have your surgeries. I promised Avery I was going to be strong like her. (Avery was born with a cleft palate)
Avery is such a great artist!
Addison spent a lot of time on this one. =)
Avery said she wanted to give me flowers.
THANK YOU to my husband Steve and Olivia. You are the reason I am going to fight so hard to win. You have given me my drive to stay positive. I THANK GOD he put you in my life because I could never live without you.
God has answered all my prayers. I plan to embrace this experience through the good, bad and really bad. For lent and this entire experience I gave up all negativity. This is not going to be me lying to you and saying everything is going great. I will tell you when I am in pain, when I am sick and when I feel good. I have said this from the beginning, my little niece Taya has been battling her entire life with a heart defect (she will be 2 on May 1st) and I have NEVER heard her complain... why should I? THANK YOU Judy for sharing your prayers. Now I ask my friends and family to say an extra prayer for Taya too. Visit her caringbridge site www.caringbridge.org/visit/tayadelperdang.
First off I would like to say I think my phone almost broke today from all the texts, phone calls, emails and face book posts. Holy cow! THANK YOU for all your support. Thank you to Leah who brought us dinner this week. You know the way to my heart. =) Delicious!
Today's report is the best news I have heard in 7 days. I have breast cancer but it has not spread. ALL YOUR PRAYERS WORKED! I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am right now. I am not saying it is going to be a breeze after this but at least we can just focus on one area. Dr. Grange did say that she is questioning my lymph nodes. If it has spread to 4 or more then I will have radiation in addition to chemotherapy.
I have always wanted a boob job but I would never have the guts to get one. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! I am having a double mastectomy and instead of my A cup I asked if I could go up a size to a B. I figure if I am going to feel like crap for the next 6-8 months why not give myself a gift and have our insurance pick up the tab. Steve just requested a C...hmmm....I am going to have to think about that one. This surgery is 4 weeks of recovery...UGH! Thank you mom, dad, Angie and Dave for offering to help me with the kids.
It gets better...I get a new hairdo too! After I have the double mastectomy it will be followed up with 2-6 months of Chemo (depending on what they find with my lymph nodes). So, yes all my hair will fall out. THANK YOU Brea for referring me to a place who offers free wigs to cancer patients.
If 4 or more lymph nodes are affected then it will be 5-6 weeks of radiation after the chemotherapy. If they are not infected then we get to skip this step.
I met some great people up at Lakeside. Thank you to Collette, Patty, Katie (CT Tech) and Jaymi (Nuclear Medicine Tech). Jaymi was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago in May and I grilled her on the experience she had with her chemo treatments, mastectomy and how she feels today. She has short hair now, looks and feels great! My goal is to be where she is one year from today....new hair, new ta ta's and cancer free!
Thank you to my husband Steve for all your love and support. It was fun spending time with you today.
After meeting with Dr. Grange for my biopsy results my biggest fear is coming true. I do have breast cancer and although she is not able to give me a stage of cancer she already knows I am going to have chemotherapy. I am all for getting rid of the cancer and doing what ever it takes but I am scared to death of chemotherapy. I am afraid of how it is going to make me feel and losing my hair. I know it is just hair but unless I get a wig (which I plan on doing) I can't imagine myself without hair. It is such a big part of me and every time I think of losing my hair I burst in to tears. You would think a possibility of losing my life would be the bigger deal...right? It is a big deal but I don't plan on going any where without a fight first! =)
I am going to the hospital on Monday for CT scans to see if there is any other cancer in my body or anything wrong with my bones. Dr. Grange finds it suspicious that I could have breast cancer so early in my life (32 years old today as I write this) if there wasn't something else at the root of the problem. To rule it out I need to have a lot of tests done to get my complete diagnosis and stage of cancer. So for now I am praying that the only thing wrong is my breast cancer and every other inch of my body is healthy.
Thank you to my family and friends for your support during this difficult time in my life. I plan on fighting this disease until it is gone and your support will give me the strength to do this!
If you are my friend and you are reading this and you haven't heard from me...I think writing this down is going to be a lot easier for me at this point and time. This is not something I thought I would share online. But what the heck! My life is an open book and if I can reach one person my job is successful. A little over a week ago I found a lump in my breast. I checked my breast from the advice of a Brea Nelson who I met a month ago on February 10. She told me and everyone else in the room "give yourself a breast exam"! I took this to heart and I found a rather large lump a couple weeks later. Right under my nipple. I called my doctor and went in to see him yesterday. He tried to extract it and nothing came out but he did get a little piece of tissue.
March 9, 2011
We scheduled an ultrasound today because they wanted to get a better look at what was going on. I thought it was going to be a 20 minute ordeal. They would tell me that it was a cyst and send me on my way. After an hour and fifteen minutes and being checked by an ultrasound tech and the head of radiology they were not so optimistic. They said it could be cancer but they were not sure so we needed to schedule a biopsy asap. At this point I hear the word cancer and I can't help but think nothing but the worst. I don't remember much of what they said after this point.
I had to take the girls to dance right after my ultrasound and at one point of watching them dance I got a little teary eyed. What if I never get to see Olivia dance?
Right after I scheduled my biopsy I got a call from my doctor late in the day. Dr. Kirsch didn't have the best of news. The tissue he extracted from my breast tested positive for cancer. Of course he didn't know what stage or any of the specifics that a biopsy can read but he was almost positive I had cancer. My mind went blank and tears started to fall from my eyes. All I could think about was Olivia and Steve. Then I thought about Cullen, Avery, Addison, Sully and the rest of my family. How was I going to break the news to them.
I was actually composed when I called my sister and started to explain what was going on but when I tried to spit out the words "I have cancer" I was almost to the point of hyperventilation. She got off the phone and rushed back home. The second person I called was my mom and she was shocked but calm and said we can fight it! The third person and my most dreaded call was Steve. I was actually composed, very positive and was thinking a little more clearly at this point. I had some time to digest what was happening. Of course he was shocked and reassured me that he would be by my side every step of the way.
March 9, 2011
Steve drove home so he could be with me for my biopsy with Dr. Grange. I like Dr. Grange because she has completely focused her career to breast cancer after losing her sister to breast cancer over 20 years ago. She is attentive and answered all our questions. She explained everything she was going to do before and during the procedure so I was comfortable the entire time. She even said she would have our results by Friday so we wouldn't have to wait over the weekend.
If you are a female reading this or a male with a mother, sister, wife, daugther, aunt...PLEASE tell them to get a mammogram. If not right away give themselves a self breast exam to find any lumps.
I have been a little lazy with my blogging but after the whole potty training I needed to get out and get some other things accomplished. I am happy to report Sully has been extremely successful with his potty training during the day and there have been several nights in a row where he is waking up dry in his diaper! Yeah! I am thinking a month or two more and he will be diaper free!
Here is what I have been up to the last couple of weeks:
February 10, 2011
My friend from College Nicki invited me to her house for a 31 Party. There I met all her FUN neighbors and Brea Nelson. Brea was diagnosed with breast cancer and she reminded all of us to give ourselves a breast exam to find any lumps. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS PARTY CHANGED MY LIFE....
Me and Nicki
February 11, 2011
Went to LeMars donuts and the Children's Musuem with my cousin Leah and her son Charlie and Olivia.
Olivia & Charlie all Smiles!
February 13, 2011
Happy Birthday Dave! Nana came to visit and bought Olivia a new hat from Disney World.
February 14, 2011
The kids and I made a rug from my old t-shirts...I think I can give these up now...=)
That is one ugly rug! It is now in Addie's bathroom...as long as she likes it I guess it doesn't matter.
We had fun making it!
Angie and Dave had to make a decision where to send the kids to school next year. St. Wenceslaus or St. Patrick's. Soo...we flipped coins.
St. Patrick's was tails....so it is St. Pat's next year!
Teaching the kids to read...
Cullen needs a little work. =) He will get there.
February 24, 2011
Drinks with the ladies at Kona.
Jodi, Nicki, Laura, me and Sasha
February 25, 2011
Academy awards party at Leah's house.
This year I actually watched most of the nominees. I forgot to bring my camera but there were at least a dozen girls at the party and I had a fabulous time!
March 6, 2011
Steve's parents came to visit. Olivia kept crying every time Marv looked at her. Little stinker!
